Al-Anon: My Version of the 12 Steps

What IS Al-Anon? Well, you've likely heard of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12-step program that started it all... including Al-Anon, or Al-Anon Family Groups. AAFG was founded in 1951 as an international mutual aid organization for people who have been impacted by another person's alcoholism. There is Alateen, a 12-step support group for teenagers affected by someone's drinking. 

I was raised amidst Irish Catholic alcoholism on both sides of my family of origin, and began going to Al-Anon meetings 25 years ago this year (2024). It started as a support group to learn more about how growing up with my father's drinking impacted me... all I really knew at 18 was that I had some fierce "daddy issues" and I knew the drink played a part in those issues, that relationship, and what I internalized as a result. 
I went on to marry an alcoholic, and my divorce was tinged with my own variation of denial and the 'pink cloud' - it was as if I couldn't really see or register his drinking behaviors, frequency, and effects. I was a fish swimming in the water of alcoholism, it had been normalized without ever following with that right feeling. There has always been a something-is-off sense about alcoholism for me--a vague, nagging wound, a sometimes very bright lit of an epiphany I run into, and sometimes an old closet I have thoughts, feelings, and beliefs buried in. 

When I started going to meetings in my 20s, I was guarded and unsure. I had an edge about me, red-haired and angry in my own finding-her-femme way, and I think of that young queer redhead today and wish I could hold her tight. Hold her eye contact and pour time out for her, show her the tapestry of progress we've made in invisible corridors of our psyche. 

"Progress not perfection" is one of the slogans of the program. Push aside the poor writing, the cheesy language, and the patriarchal, american christian connotations that the Anonymous programs are laden with and you'll find there is a facet for you. That you belong. That you can be heard, seen, felt, understood, without the crosstalk of someone saying "I know JUST what you mean," or "When I was a kid..." or immediately relating to themselves in otherwise dismissive, self-absorbed responses.

In Al-Anon meetings, there is real respect in witnessing a person's sharing, in showing care and compassion and non-judgment in listening and holding space for their sharing, and group norms that reiterate no crosstalk, advise, or solutions from other meeting participants. You share or you don't and the meeting continues to move, with you as a part of it. It's a unique feeling, that kind of being seen--vulnerable, I think, because these are parts, feelings, experiences, and archaic beliefs within the constructs of our mind and memory have been shuttered, blocked, held fast in some deep valley of our experience. 

For many of us, the experience of being invalidated, controlled, or brainwashed by religion (Christianity in particular) in earlier life is intertwined and in fact very akin to our experience of alcoholism in the family. Unfortunately, 12 step program language and literature utilizes the pronouns he/him to refer to an externalized, monotheistic God. 

Peek into the history of recovery in the U.S., and in Alcoholics Anonymous program, and you’ll quickly find relations to the King James version of the Christian Bible. The A.A. slogans “First Things First” and “Easy Does It” were taken respectively from Matthew 6:33 and 6:34. It’s no doubt that Al-Anon Family Groups have their philosophical roots in Christianity—and that is problematic for a great many people, especially those who were raised in an oppressive household where religion and alcohol were abused or exploited in the parent/child power dynamic.
In the spirit of "progress, not perfection," I re-envisioned and wrote out the 12 steps out in my own translation, influenced by depth psychology, mindfulness-based CBT, and internal family systems. I also wrote these in the spirit of self-empowerment, mindfulness, conscientious self-reflection offered in a spiritual-not-religious light.

Heather's Revised 12 Steps for ACOAs:  

1. Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that we had no control over other people’s drinking and the impacts that alcoholism/addiction had on us.
   
   
2. Came to believe we could find support and resources greater internally and externally in our lives to help restore our sense of interpersonal safety and emotional security.
   
   
3. Tuned into our authentic sense of self, seeking greater understanding, clarity, and intuitive knowledge.
   
   
4. Made a fearless inventory of how we were affected by alcoholism and have perpetuated denial in our lives.
   
   
5. Were willing to confront and analyze flaws, inner barriers, people-pleasing patterns, and limiting beliefs with self-reflection that values depth, curiosity, and compassion.
   
   
6. Admitted to ourselves and to another trusted person the damaging experiences and corresponding attitudes/feelings/beliefs that previously were unconscious or otherwise unseen as a result of someone’s drinking.
   
   
7. Courageously examine conditioned beliefs, behaviors, or blind spots in the psyche related to the family dynamic. Humbly acknowledged shortcomings, understanding that these shortcomings are in part a result of learning to cope with inconsistency, denial, and unmet needs.
   
   
8. Made a list of how we have self-harmed, self-denied, and/or sabotaged ourselves, or ways in which we have harmed others (intentionally or unintentionally).
   
   
9. Determined what healthy boundaries need to be to reflect my values, and communicate them to others (except when doing so would cause harm).
   
   
10. Continue to act with a sense of self-awareness and self-responsibility, utilizing mindfulness, reflection, and expressive arts as therapeutic tools. 
    
    
11. Sought, through these therapeutic tools and skills, ways to better engage with healthy personal power and feel genuine presence and peace.
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12. Having had an awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message of growth potential to others and practice these principles in our inner and outer lives.