Article Review: Couples Therapy Goals

Alison LaSov, a Los Angeles-based Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, writes in the Advekit blog post, Goals for Couples Therapy, that “couples therapy is a proven effective environment to help get a relationship back on track, out of fear patterns to love and safety.” When I first read this post, I paused for a moment and digested it, appreciating its wording, simplicity, and truth.

I honed in on the “out of fear patterns” because, in my experience, that awareness and process is invaluable to healing. Foundational. As a therapist who sees couples in my practice, I find her perspective and ideas wise, helpful, and succinctly accessible to people interested or engaged in couples therapy. In fact, I began suggesting this reading to people considering couples therapy for the first time, to prospective new couples clients who find me on a site like Psychology Today and are taking that first step to put feelers out, schedule a consult, and perhaps begin on that path of development, growth, and learning for and through their relationship.

This post is also great, recommended reading for reflecting on what goals couples have for therapy, to use the list of goals for home practice, or to deepen the therapeutic practice. To those approaching the overarching process and commitment requirements of couples therapy for the very first time, it can be daunting, vulnerable, full of questions, and moments where you don’t know what to expect. It can also be a triggering town as we face things in ourselves, life, families, and relationships that cause discomfort and emotional responses to surface.

Precisely because this is normal, and will indeed happen as part of the learning and healing process, I believe that individual therapy for each partner is vital to couples counseling really being effective. I normalize and proactively suggest that each individual in the relationship secure their own psychodynamic psychotherapist, as is most compatible with our work together, and that they put forth a willing, honest effort to do the work, whatever that individual work happens to be. I suggest weekly individual therapy with a qualified mental health counselor and weekly or twice monthly sessions for a couple not in active crisis mode.

What I ask from regular couples clients:

1. Be on the same page as far as engaging in therapy, each be interested in therapy, and each individual be invested in and willing to grow.
2. Be willing to show up honestly and consistently for couples therapy, at least twice per month, for sixty minute sessions.
3. Be willing to find a suitable therapist for yourself as an individual to support and reinforce you as a person as well as the work of couples therapy and what may come up as a result of our work together (self-care).
4. Be willing to surrender control of the dynamic, the outcome, and the session at times in order to stay curious, examine defenses, and embrance steps towards positive change.
5. Be mindful of your contributions to the relationship, and be honest about what your areas of growth are as you become aware of them in the process of therapy.

In her piece, LaSov emphasizes the importance of being on the same page with your partner as you engage in the somewhat slow, patient, and sometimes uncomfortable process of therapy. I, too, want new clients to understand that being on the same page, mutually engaged and willing, truly is a requirement for progress to be possible, or even to begin.

Getting Started with a Couples Therapist
I’m often asked, how do you know if a couples therapist is a good fit at first? This is a very subjective determination, and a personal, private decision for each individual as well as each couple. The answer is a very general “it depends.” What you feel comfortable with as a client is unique to you, and I believe your most important tool is likely to be your intuition, your built-in feedback system in conjunction with your values and beliefs, comfort and sense of safety.

It’s important to tune into and respect your needs, feelings, and boundaries so that you can feel safe and supported without bias when you meet with a couples therapist. Some clinicians will have very specific training in modalities like Imago, or as I do in Nonviolent Communication. Some will be more structured, others more fluid in their approach. Again, finding what works with and aligns with your relationship, your goals, and your comfort level will be up to you. The bottom line is to evaluate if they’re right for you and your goals together, a determination an ethical counselor will help you in making.

This determination of fit and alignment can hopefully be achieved within the first three sessions, a time span I volunteer to my clients so they feel assured that I will suggest a referral, or perhaps an alternate modality, if I think it will better suits their needs. Couples therapists should be culturally competent, tolerant, empathic and patient while supporting you as a couple with the structure and support of therapy. Where to find a couples therapist? The most accessible online tool for zooming in on couples therapists in your area is through Psychology Today.

Deciding on Goals for Couples Therapy
“Once you’ve decided to take the plunge and go for relationship counseling,” says LaSov, “it’s important to decide on your goals … What do you want to get out of your sessions?” This question is one I ask of new couples clients as well. I want them to show me what they perceive and hope for in couples therapy, which includes long-term goals as well as what sessions are going to look and feel like for them. I also want my clients to understand that couples therapy isn’t an externalized force or protocol that is done “to” you as a couple, or to “fix” things in a number of sessions. If this is what you hope for, however, I want to know.

What do you imagine your sessions will be like, and what do you want to get from them? “Of course, you’ll be looking to gain a better understanding of your partner and yourself,” adds LaSov, but it’s important to be specific with your goals rather than just wanting to fix general relationship issues.”

Enter each session “with a shared goal of conflict resolution and the treatment of specific issues,” LaSov writes, “and both partners can work towards forging a better relationship.” What that better relationship or state of being looks like in relationship depends on who you are and a number of other factors. Knowing yourself, and having the willingness to make the ongoing, concerted, consistent effort to self-reflect and grow personally is the most vital piece of individual groundwork for the efficacy of couples counseling.

“The process calls each partner to stretch self — requiring self-study, honest self-reflection, and raw integrity to engage in feeling your feelings, becoming aware of your thoughts, and exploring how childhood wounds may impact your ability to be a good partner.”

I encourage you to stay tuned for my next post, which will be a compilation of intake questions, home practice reflections, and considerations from a depth psychology perspective for people embarking on or engaging in the often rewarding, rich journey of couples therapy!